My Infertility Project

I recently shared our news and a project I’ve been working on for some time.  It’s a very personal project to show, not just because of the struggles with infertility and everything that goes into it.  And I chose to share it publicly…with everyone, as a way to just show others what it’s like to go through something like this, but mostly to speak for those that DO know what it’s like yet haven’t shared their story just yet.  Infertility is not a subject that should be hushed, and I’ll not hesitate to speak about it.  It’s real, it’s extremely tough, and alot of times it doesn’t seem fruitful. WHAT IS FRUITFUL…. is sharing your story and helping others along the way.  That’s what He calls us to do.  I received so much overwhelming love, prayers, and feedback that I was blown away and still get emotional thinking about it.

As a result of several comments I received, I wanted to go into the project in a little more in detail to explain my viewpoint behind it all, what I was experiencing, and the moments of ups and downs as they go.  Consider it a behind the scenes…. tears, humor and weird moments. To see the project in its entirety, it’s up on my personal facebook page:  https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10100283155207295&id=80400746

Our story began years before we started IVF, but this is where I started documenting things…. When you first think of IVF, you think of tons of shots and medications.  That presumption is 115% accurate. Injections and meds were my life from January til recently.  Not only do you have shots and meds, but you’re on a timed schedule with each one.  You may as well forget your social events in the evening, unless you plan to bring a few syringes and haul all your medication.  So shots, shots and more shots….

Next step was surgery, to clean things up and retrieve as many eggs as you can.  This is the moment we have been prepping for, so carefully with the injections.  And of course, with surgery comes recuperating time.

This wasn’t a super strenuous surgery, but it does require some down time.  And on top of this, you’re restricted from any form of working out before and after the surgery until you’re minimum 4 weeks after embryo transfer or until you miscarry.  THIS IS A LONG TIME, so there were several hours of lying around, resting and trying to prep my body to be the best home for little ones.

Finally, you make it to transfer day; you’ve been waiting on this day for awhile.  Your body and ovaries have been pumped full of medications.  You’ve been praying over this day since the beginning.  On retrieval day, we successfully retrieved 15 eggs, 13 fertilized and looked fantastic days 1-3.  Day 3-5 the doctors let the little embryos incubate and do not open to look at them again until Day 5.  So you pray those sweet 13 make it til Day 5. If you don’t receive a call on Day 5, you go in for your procedure…..that’s not what happened for us.  We received a call about two hours before the procedure.  The embryos looked so poor they wouldn’t even give them a grade.  This was the aftermath of that phone call and the most painful moments for me and I’m sure Jason…. All this work to what seems to be nothing.  Your world rocked and your hopes shattered.

When a doctor asks you what you want to do after you’ve gotten this far, let’s say your emotions are all over the place, and there was only one thing to do….you pray.  I mean, you get a little ticked off too…I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t so mad at the situation.  HOW CAN I GO THROUGH ALL THIS AND WE CAN’T GO ANY FURTHER??  So, you pray and pray and tell them you don’t care if they’re “below poor,” but you’re doing that transfer today.  So they asked us to wait in town for a few hours and they would pick the best two out of the bunch and “Hope for the best,” (their words, not mine..not exactly what you want to hear from your specialist the day of a transfer).  So you pray some more, you wait, you cry (alot) and you send texts to loved ones asking for more prayers.

After the transfer, which doesn’t seem incredibly hopeful at the time, you do everything humanly possible to insure your treating your body like a temple, you’re keeping your feet warm (IVF tip), and eating pineapple & its core (another tip), and you rest ALOT, You’re hopefully growing a little one in there and that’s all you can do.  And pray.  Oh, and continue taking your meds and shots.  Just because you transferred two embryos, does not mean the meds stop there…

And more shots…. Vinson Images-26

This may be one of my favorite photos from the project, because it accurately depicts my emotions and thoughts at this moment, while Jason just continues marching on.  If you think it’s easy to give your spouse an injection – you’re wrong, if you think it’s easy to let your spouse give you an injection – you’re really wrong.  If Jason were to mess up and hit a vein, I would get annoyed and have to be re-stuck with a needle one or two more times. And then Jason would get annoyed with me, because he’s literally doing the best he can and hitting a vein just happens sometimes.  Sometimes you bleed or injecting in a sore spot and there really isn’t anything either of us can do about it.  It doesn’t make for the best intimate moments with your spouse. Ha.  SO, this is my face after an argument about who’s doing the injection right.  He’s patiently trying to stick me and I’m sarcastically waiting.  Humorous now…..kinda.

Then you wait…and wait.  You want to take 1,000 pregnancy tests but there isn’t a point.  Over the years I’ve had false positive tests and false negative tests, so I decided no pregnancy tests were going to be taken, except for the ones the doctor performs.  This was difficult, waiting and trusting…but we did it.  Next, you test with the doctor and your numbers kinda suck…. and you’re back on that emotional roller coaster that you had hoped to have gotten off and never gotten back in line again.  But you do.

And you wait some more…. then, you start to feel a pain here or a sensation there and you think, “Oh maybe this is a viable pregnancy?”  And it hits you, like a 145 lb Great Dane running full force at you and knocking the wind out of you (trust me, I’ve been there) ….you get your first spout of morning sickness.  Little did I know that “morning sickness” has nothing to do with the morning, it was a pure all day sickness.  During this entire time, I’m still working of course.  Because I mean you’re paying for IVF, and working is a requirement just to get by.  When I had morning sickness in the past, I’d be cozied up in the comfort of my home, but that’s not the case this time.  My first morning sickness spout we had just finished up a wedding in Maine. The wedding was beautiful, the couple was beyond amazing and the following day, while we’re waiting in the airport, all the morning sickness for the entire day hits.  Flight delays happen, sleeping on the floor occurs, and more sickness…everywhere.   One of the last places I want to experience all day sickness is in a public place, let alone an airport where nothing seems to help.  But you deal, because THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!

You semi hope the sickness stops, but you also pray it doesn’t because morning sickness is a fantastic sign of high levels of hormones for a healthy pregnancy.  So I prayed for that morning sickness, no matter how miserable it made me…I wanted it.  And God provided.

Finally, you’re to a “safe” point in the pregnancy and you’re so excited but don’t want to tell anyone.  You ask your parents and a few, close friends to keep quiet and continue to pray.  You see, we’ve been here before and I wasn’t interested in announcing yet ANOTHER pregnancy and weeks later telling everyone that we lost the little one.  It’s heartbreaking and it’s such an awkward conversation to have to explain to people.  And then you get the “ahhs” of pity, that completely mean well, but deep down it ticks you off because you weren’t able to do the one thing you are made to do, keep that baby alive.   So this time, I chose to just kept quiet, but secretly we rejoiced (cautiously).

I wish I could confidently say this will be an incredible pregnancy and we will finally get to hold our healthy, breathing little one in November.  I’m praying every day that we get this opportunity….but we don’t know right now.  We optimistically wait for the next doctor appointment and continue to wait one more day for our sweet little one to arrive.  Vinson Images-49

Our story and my project doesn’t stop here…it will continue.  For now, I look back and am thankful for the journey, thankful for the sarcastic remarks to each other, the arguments, the pain, the tears and the spurts of joy.  And we wait to see what comes next!

Feel free to read past blog posts and catch up on our entire journey this year.  

 

Hey there…

Hi.  I’m back…. I’ve been gone for a bit but I’m back.  I wanted to stick around through it all, but I had some issues writing, well mainly 3 issues that I wanted to share…focusing mostly on #3 because it’s the biggest hold up in my writing.

  1.  It’s difficult to find joy, even when you have good news.  We’re 17 weeks along and that is so so fantastic, but worry creeps in on me every single day.  I went as far as adding an additional ultrasound last week, because I couldn’t wait 3 more weeks for the next appointment and insure everything was ok.  It was extra $$ and you’d think I’d be penny counting, assuming we just spent an insane amount doing IVF and another insane amount trying to adopt.  It was just necessary for my peace of mind.  You see, I’m at that weird stage where I can maybe feel kicks and jabs from little boy, but I don’t know if that’s what it is or if it’s something else, ya know, something bad.  Supposedly within the next few weeks I’ll be able to clearly define baby kicks and I’d feel so much better when I get the constant reminder that he’s still there and doing well.
  2. Anything could happen.  I could tell you I’m 17 weeks with a healthy baby boy today and tomorrow I could lose little one, praying that’s not God’s path for us, but it could happen.  I just have to trust His path here….and it isn’t always easy.  Ha. Saying it was easy or that I understand it is so far out in left field.  However, I trust Him and if I were to lose this sweet Baby Z, and I wrote all these things about how happy I am that we were this far along or that we felt our first kick…it would hurt so bad to go back and read that in the future.  So it’s just difficult for me to talk about what’s going on when I don’t know how all this will play out.
  3. This one may be hard to follow, so I’ll do my best to explain.  I kind of feel weird writing about it now.  Why?  Well, when I originally was trying to find some peace after loss & loss, I read several other women’s infertility blogs.  My findings were overflowed with mommas that were pregnant or had children and their struggles were years past them.  Or so I thought, now I know the struggle never ever leaves you, but that’s besides the point. They were writing about waking up in the middle of the night with a crying baby or where to find the best and safest baby equipment for their little ones.  It was difficult for me to get into their blog posts and truly relate, because I wasn’t there with them.  I was still in my stage of anger, that we couldn’t have children ourselves and it hurt to see basically everyone else having children, even these women who’s blogs were about infertility.  NOW that I’m THAT person writing at 17 weeks with a healthy baby boy, it seems like I no longer fit into this category that I’ve been writing in since December.  How I’ve categorized myself for 6+ years, I no longer “fit.”  Does that make sense? 

    It’s kind of like announcing you’re FINALLY freaking pregnant and out of the first trimester, to someone that just miscarried or has been trying to for years but has been successful yet.  You want to yell and scream and tell the world, but you can’t because you want to be conscious of those around you.  I’ve been there and it hurts.  It hurts alot, so you go the extra step and be a little more cognitive to what those around you are going through.  For example, in the same month, I recall getting a text from a family member and a call from a friend to tell me they were not expecting this and definitely were not trying but SURPRISE they were having a baby.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks….better yet, it hit me like a freight train going about 190 mph.  To say I was unselfishly happy for them would be a lie.  I was selfish.  I was hurt.  I was pissed actually.  And it took me well over 2 months to be supportive deep down.  Of course, I showed my support outwardly, but inwardly I was breaking the hell down and I was ready to throw in the towel.  Luckily, God gave me peace sometime in January.  I don’t know why He decided it was time for me to find that peace, but He provided and all of a sudden I found myself truly happy for those around me getting pregnant and making their announcements.  I went as far as actually attending and even hosting a baby shower, something I’ve never been able to willingly do or go to in the past.  I told you I was selfish.  And this peace just came over me and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I found it!  I found the joy for others!  And I’m so thankful I’m here now..my heart aches that I went through so many years just being so unthankful to God’s blessings on others.  This is a much better mindset for me to be in…

If you’re reading this and you’re in your anger stage or you’re just aren’t feeling the joy for me, totally skip past some of my posts or my blog completely.  It is completely fine and I 110% understand.  But, I hope you come back and please know that I’ve been there.  We wouldn’t go through these struggles if we didn’t hope and pray for an awesome end goal.  Maybe you’re here supporting me (thank you) or maybe you’re here supporting a loved one or maybe you’re a struggling want-to-be-momma, we all still have the same end goal.  We all want our loved one(s) or ourselves to find that sweet baby, one way or another. We’re all in this together….let’s express our anger, sadness, peace, happiness, because we’ve all been there.

So…. I’m going to allow myself to write about the experiences during pregnancy, through the hiccups along the way, and after childbirth, because that is my end goal…. to have sweet, healthy, intelligent, alive little one in our arms… I mean, that’s not my complete end goal.  I want to watch them grow up, be ornery, ride dirt bikes, love on our puppies, meet the love of their life, experience a mother-son dance at a wedding, watch them grow to be some incredible (INSERT ANY DREAM/OCCUPATION HERE).  My end goal is always growing, but right now my end goal is to make it through a pregnancy with a healthy baby boy.

Hope you’ll stay on the journey with me…

Today is one of those days…

I don’t know what’s going on with my mindset or my body for that matter….everything is different, and nothing is incredibly comfortable.  Those much farther along than me, don’t scoff…I’ll get to your point and probably look back and laugh at this comment later.  But this weekend, I was on my feet more than I have been the past 3 months, and I feel much different after that.  I’m not sure if it’s a “different” like more aware of your body changing different or “different” hey there’s something going on different.

I could spend my time worrying nonstop, but I’m doing my best not to.  My nurse called me back today to answer some questions I had about some soreness, and she didn’t have a good answer for me, but to keep watch over it.  That never makes a girl feel too great about it.  BUT I’ll do just that, I’ll keep watch, and pray, pray, pray, and be patient.  I told my husband today, I’m not sure if this is God’s way of saying, “Hey, I know you’re not a super patient person, so let’s work on this.  In the meantime, trust me.”  He says this to me about 15,000 times a day, so it wouldn’t surprise me if that is exactly why I’m experiencing the feelings and soreness that I am.  OR, the other part of my mind wanders back to July 2015 when we were overly excited about our pregnancy and one day I woke up feeling different.  We had a wedding in Mexico in 2 weeks, and we didn’t have our next doctor’s appointment til we came back and I knew something was wrong.  I had to basically beg my old doctor to see me, so I could be assured everything was ok before we traveled.  Sure enough, we went in and just an empty sac.  Everything was not ok, my gut thought was right.  I truly wish my mind didn’t go back to this place with every ache or different sensation.  I wish we could do what everyone tells us and enjoy the moment and stop worrying.  It’s just easier said than done.  After this entire process, my mind doesn’t instantly jump to happiness like it used to.  I would LOVE for it to. TRUST ME, but it doesn’t function like that during this stage of life.

So maybe you’re thinking, well go make an appointment and find out.  Thing is, I could, but it wouldn’t stop anything from happening or not happening.  Everything could look ok then something goes wrong the following day.  I’m not in control of this.  If I was, we’d have probably 7 healthy babies on earth and all my friends / family / infertile myrtles would not have any struggles with having babies.  However, I’m not in control, and I’m given this path, and I have to trust it.  Trust Him and pray my worries will be taken away from me.  So dear God, please take these worries from me.

I know it may just be one of those days…because those days happen when you’re just tired enough and baby is just moving around enough for you to feel a little uncomfortable…. and things just don’t seem to fit just right.

Sorry for the debbie downer moment, I am overly, incredibly thankful for everything we have gone through and experiencing.  My cup is full of love for our little one along the way, I just felt it was important to express what I was feeling today.  I’m trying to be open here, for those going through the same thing can feel like what they’re going through are completely normal thoughts (or as normal as my thoughts are).  It is not always bad, it isn’t always good, sometimes it’s just one of those days…

EDIT:  I had major worries earlier this morning, went about my day and then read my devotion for the day and the verse my devotion was based around was: “He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.  Praise the Lord.”  Psalms 113:9.  This is a very general devotion app I have that covers all different topics, but this was my topic today.  Whenever I wrote this blog post, I failed to remember this devotion I had today….went back and reread it after my blog post and was sweetly reminded that God is always listening.  Just in case you ever questioned it yourself…

Support System

I can’t explain how thankful I am for the people that choose to be in our lives, during this new and different transition stage of dealing with past losses and coming into the new stages of parenthood.  Y’all are awesome.  To anyone going through struggles, let alone infertility struggles, but struggles in general, get connected.  This is one of my biggest pieces of advice during this process. Friends/Family will need to be there more than they can and/or willing to give, and getting connected with individuals or families that have been through what you’re going through helps significantly.  The people that choose to be in our lives and be present.  THANK YOU.  I know I can’t repay you ever, but I’ll be there for you.

Recently, I joined a local Infertility Group to just hear other people’s stories, but also support and develop relationships with women who get it. They’ve been there, they’ve ridden the crazy rollercoaster or they are going through the process now.  As soon as I left that 1st meeting, I cried on the way home, because I was overwhelmed by the support these women give to me and to each other, and they don’t even know me. I mean really, they know our story and one happened to be my nextdoor neighbor for a few years, but we didn’t really “know” each other.  So thankful to surround myself with individuals like this.  And to think I was just seconds away from chickening out and not attending their meeting, because I just didn’t have it in me that day, but I went and I don’t regret a single second of it.

I clearly won’t go into their stories to respect their privacy, but they are intense.  Far beyond what I think I can bear and/or have gone through.  Some going through all sorts of fertility treatments, some going through adoption, some going through both processes, and some in a waiting period or a peace period (as I like to call it).  It’s really encouraging how many of these fine ladies have found peace along the way, which really led my comments in my last blog.  Finding that peace is such a huge part to going through infertility and transitioning through new stages of life.  It’s difficult to let go of loss(es), but be available and open to other processes.  I prayed with these ladies and pray for them to continue to be strong and follow the path God has lined out for them.

So…I guess, whatever you’re going through…find that support system.  And if you have friends going through it, be that support system.  You could truly save a soul, life and relationship, by simply just being there.  If anyone that is reading this needs someone to be there for them, reach out to me.  I’d love to be there for you.

What glow…

“Um, excuse me dear ‘pregnancy glow’ are you just a figment of people’s imagination or do you only visit certain people?  Because I think you’ve skipped over me this time.”  Instead, I’m super exhausted and looking pretty raggedy; however, no complaints here, because God is giving us one of the greatest gifts ever.  Life.

Baby V is the size of a Clementine orange!  Crazy to think that’s what I have inside of me right now.  We’ve been reading on what’s happening with them at the moment, currently little ones figure out how to swallow, which develops their gut. To know how intricately we’re all made, it blows my mind what God has created.  It truly is a miracle.

Other aspects of the pregnancy, I’ve been feeling meh, but I think that comes with the territory.  Sleepless nights, headaches, and exhaustion are the biggest symptoms at the moment, along with a side of all day sickness that comes and goes.  It’s like a ninja, you don’t see it coming and you never know when it’s going to strike, then quickly sneaks away again.  I joke, but it’s really weird feeling.  I’ve had pregnancy symptoms in the past, but this time it’s different.  It again, just solidifies how intricately we are all made.

We continue to pray that Baby Vinson is doing good, kicking butt in there and growing strong.  We haven’t had any other appointments and will not be back for a couple more weeks.  Which is a little bitter sweet to me.  We are approaching on our longest lasting pregnancy yet, but in the back of my mind there is that lingering thought of what’s going to happen, when will things go awry?  Obviously, we hope not, but we can’t spend every waking minute worrying about what’s to come.  I have constantly reminded to put my trust in God, believe in His plan, and go along His path.  I keep saying, You’ve got this, when in reality, He’s got this (THANKFULLY!)  And for this I’m so incredibly thankful.  WHAT could possibly be better than knowing that God has this all in his hands.

I think back to moments of struggle of my faith, my relationship with husband and friends, and it all boils down to me not trusting God’s way.  With support from others and seeking out strength in the Lord, I’ve really been able to find some peace in those past moments and the downs that we don’t foresee just yet.  So, who cares about the “glow,” what matters is letting go of the anxiety, fear, and worrying about the unknown and relying on what Jesus has in mind for us. So I’ll just be over here not glowing… 🙂 but patiently waiting in peace.

All over the place…

Yesterday, we went in for an appointment for what we thought was just a “Hey you’re pregnant, so now we discuss all the things you should / shouldn’t do.”  I guess that’s not the official appointment name, but we didn’t know what to expect, and we definitely didn’t realize we were having another ultrasound!  This ultrasound was on the stomach, so it’s different than any of the past one’s we had.  And yay, we saw little one. We actually call little one Baby V (not because we have a name picked out, just short for Baby Vinson, and Baby V kind of sounds a little BA, like he/she is).

Not going to lie, little one was difficult to see / find at first, so my heart sank a couple of times, then we found him/her.  Anyways, once she found Baby V, they were doing like some pretty legit foot loose moves, or maybe it was a cooler, more up to date dance like the wobble or something (sorry, I’m not real sure what the new “dance” is these days).  Baby V was just moving around and killing it in there, lol.  This made it a little hard to get a good picture of him/her, but we got some blurry ones, and we did get to hear the heartbeat.  Which brought me to tears all day yesterday, and also brings me to tears (of joy) as I sit her and retell it.  For anyone that has gone through what we’ve gone through (or any type of fertility struggle) and never getting the opportunity of HEARING your baby’s heartbeat, that was alot of joy, alot of emotion.  My cup runneth over and over again.  So praise the Lord for great news!!!

So what’s next, we sit and wait (more waiting – ugh; God is really working on my patience here).  We sit and wait another month before our next appointment, and we have some testing done this week and then in a few weeks.  So if you’ve been praying with us, we appreciate prayers for good results, and Baby V just keeps on growing, oh and that I’m patient (ha!).

I talk about waiting alot here… and sometimes I feel like we haven’t been waiting that long, especially compared to what others have experienced, but then I do the math.  We’ve been waiting over 2,250 days trying for a child.  Of those #s, we’ve spent around 223 days being ecstatic over pregnancies and then experiencing the losses.  I’ve spent 150 days officially recuperating (laying low), which means Jason has spent 150 days officially taking care of me and putting my needs over his.  We’ve spent 500+ days thinking we didn’t care and/or not officially trying.  And I can’t even begin to count the number of days I have spent dreading getting up in the morning and dealing with a loss, long after the miscarriage or surgery took place.

The funny thing about losing a child, that feeling of loss doesn’t go away in just a few days or months.  It sticks around forever, literally forever.  You don’t just get over it.  I think a lot of people don’t fully understand that the feeling never truly leaves you, and some days it’s haunting, “What did I do wrong; What could I have done differently to make it not happen?”  It is seriously always there.  It brings joy to your heart sometimes, sometimes it puts you in a moody depression.  Just as an example, yesterday (one of the most joyous days we’ve had in awhile), I was overwhelmingly emotional as I was driving home from work.  I was emotional because A. I was so happy and thankful for the appointment we had yesterday, but also B. to see where we’ve come from and how long it’s taken us to get here.  And to be honest, I don’t think I’m fully over that last surgery I had.  It was so difficult, so time consuming and life-threatening and thinking back on it, it really scares the hell out of me.  It pisses me off.  But also it shows me how God works in mysterious ways and how thankful I am He took care of me during that time.  And lastly, how incredibly GRATEFUL we are to be where we are right now!

I feel like I’m rambling about things I’ve already hashed out on this blog and in my mind, I guess I just felt it was important to state it.  To understand the emotional/mental/physical toll these things take on people that have experienced loss.  Even in the happiest, truly happiest of moments you still have feeling of sadness from what has happened and the feeling of fear that what could still happen.  It just proves to me over and over, there is a much higher power than us and He is in control and He is taking care of us.  His plan is wayyyy better than mine and I am completely grateful for it right now.  So thank you Lord.

Was I all over the place this blog?  Sorry about that…lots of things running in my mind today.  Maybe our kiddo wasn’t dancing yesterday and they just have his mama’s ADHD and wanted to be all over the place, like this post?  lol…  🙂

Symptoms coming and going..

I don’t really have too much to report right now, besides patience is truly a virtue.  This waiting period is a little nerve wracking, especially when you’re trying not to be anxious or stressed.  Ha!

I was officially released from my IVF doctor and will begin with my local doctor next week.  We will probably have another ultrasound at 10 weeks, I’m assuming.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve considered googling how much ultrasound machines cost so I can just do my own and have a peace of mind lol, but that seems a bit extreme! 🙂

-I can start light exercising, which is awesome.  I did walk over a mile on my lunch yesterday and my ovaries were a bit sore after, so I can tell that  they’re not completely back to normal, but they’re much better than they were.  I’ll be holding off on anything too crazy and jogging for a few more weeks.
-THIS ONE IS BIG – we finish our progesterone shots Sunday and then we’re done with injections, until we decide to do this crazy process again.  This is a little bitter sweet.  Awesome, because I can maybe do things after 8:00 pm that we’ve avoided doing, also awesome that J doesn’t have to shove a needle in my bum every evening, but also a little sad because that process is coming to an end.  Injections in the stomach and butt have completely changed my lifestyle and priorities (of course for good reason) but I don’t know that everyone gets the life-changing chore it can be but also the incredible blessing it is.

My symptoms come and go.  Which is slightly annoying. You would think I’d find relief when they pass, but it just reminds me of last miscarriage and having all these symptoms and then they all of a sudden go away.  So I’m truly thankful to have the symptoms, no matter how sick or tired I may be..I’d much rather have them than not.  Anyways, I’m pretty consistently nauseous, meaning about 85% of the day, and nothing sounds good food wise, except for random, unhealthy things, like fried chicken and brownies (sheez).  I haven’t acted on all of the unhealthy cravings, because I keep telling myself that not all things are nourishing to little one, so have been trying to figure out how to handle them.  Brownies did win yesterday though.  Beyond that, even when nothing sounds good, I just eat the meal anyways because I know I need to for them.  Other symptoms are dizziness and soreness off and on and well, my pants are a little tighter – probably from the brownies but whatever.  Exhaustion about 90% of the time.  Apparently, it’s exhausting growing a human inside of you!  And…heartburn is pretty intense, but I can’t seem to give up my spicy things just yet, so I’m just dealing with that heartburn.

We just keep continuing to pray, and talk to little one (which is weird at first, especially for Jason).  But I make him do it anyways…  The first time he decided to talk to him/her he asked, “So…how’s it going in there?”  I noted maybe, he should say things that don’t require a response back lol.  He’ll figure it out!  🙂  So prayers, optimism, patience and brownies are what we’re living on at the moment, and will continue to til next time we get to see little one!

Side note – if anyone is coming from Pittsburg, KS to NWA and wants to grab me some Chicken Annie’s chicken, you will not see me complaining!  🙂 

Maybe putting it off will help…

I put off getting out of bed this morning.  I decided if I stayed in bed an extra 45 minutes later than normal, that maybe I wouldn’t have time to worry or think about the spotting & mild cramping that started last night.  It didn’t work….still thought about it, still googled things, and now just sitting here quietly, trying to process.  Let me be clear before I go into my thoughts / feelings, that this could totally be normal and not mean anything serious.  There are different things that can happen, it can just be how your body is reacting in general, it could be the gestational sac re-attaching to your uterus, it could be leftover from the implantation, or it could be caused from the ultrasound.  So let’s just know that from this point on…. If you send any texts of what it could be, I totally appreciate it, but I probably already know them.  However, my mind goes the other direction, because dang it we’ve been here and that’s what mom’s do right?  They love their children so much, they worry… so ya, that’s what I’ll probably be doing that.  I’m not going to allow my thoughts to be consumed by it, but the thoughts will definitely be going through my head.

Anyways, I took it easy (for the most part) all weekend.  I even had a friend that asked me if I was still on the couch 4 hours later, lol and you bet your ass I was.  I did do some things around the house, like purge my closet and take care of the animals (both are larger chores than they should be).  But I took it easy, the doctor didn’t give me the “ok” to start working out because my ovaries are still massive and they don’t want you to get ovarian torsion. Which I totally can see how this happens, even sitting up at a twisted angle sometimes I’ll get a little pain b/c those ovaries aren’t used to the size they’ve been shot up to be.  My doctor said maybe another month and they should start looking normal.  So, back to last night…. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up in some mild pain, as well as some light spotting, which my mind could’ve gone 1,007 places, but I decided I wasn’t going to allow myself to do that, but instead I went straight to bed (skipped the teeth brushing and letting the dogs outside), text Jason that I needed prayers, and fell asleep praying.

Which leads to this morning….I wake up and just knew it hadn’t stopped so I just stayed in bed and put it off b/c I just didn’t want to start the week like this.  If anything I did this weekend caused that, then what will this weekend be like when we have a wedding to shoot.  HOW DO I DO THIS WITHOUT CAUSING ISSUES?  I honestly don’t know…

Like I said, I know all of these symptoms could be the cause of other things (other things that mean nothing) but it could also mean it’s the start of bad news… So…this is all I’ll write about it and/or think about it.  I’m not going to dwell on what could be, and I’ll contact my doctor if it gets worse and go from there, but for now, I’m going to do my best to keep that out of mind and pray that little fighter is holding on strong.

 

Joy in donuts

I’ve been searching for my joy and I’ve found it…. In donuts.  Just kidding, but I did find a little joy in one today.

In all seriousness, I was overwhelmed with a bit of mixed emotions yesterday.  I, of course, was happy to see a little flicker of a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but I also found myself upset and feeling down for some reason.  After coming to the realization that my sadness was mourning for the other little one that we lost, I found peace.  Peace in knowing that our little one that didn’t make it was being held by the biggest, strongest, most powerful God and that was the best place for them.  And that brings joy to my heart and peace to my soul.  

Today, I woke up in a calm peace and felt I could now put all my energy into the littlest we do have.  It doesn’t mean we have forgotten the other littles but we know they’re in a safe place.  And He has given us this littles to take care of, love and raise like He wants, so that is what we will do and we will be joyful and grateful in every moment!  So thank you Lord for giving us this opportunity (and thank you for donuts).

Thoughts and things…

There’s a few things that have been swirling through my mind the past few days.

First… the thought of why are so many people going through struggles.  Couples that are praying every day and begging for children have issues or hiccups or not able to conceive and I just don’t understand why.  The only thing I can say when I hear a story is tell them that I know God has a plan for us and He knows the amount we can withstand, and I pray that someday, I can understand whatever He throws at us….  In the meantime, ya got to keep the faith and keep moving forward.

Other thoughts swirling up in that big noggin are…excitement of what we may find out tomorrow, if we can start thinking about names, and how will we change up the house for their room?  Then I have feelings on the other spectrum, the anxiety of what we may find out tomorrow, if I will miscarry on my own or will I have to get another D&C.  Honestly, I’ve already thought about what we’d do if this happened; and I’d get a D&C asap, as in Monday, so I could be recuperated by next week’s wedding in Maine.  So I guess if it goes that route, I’ll pray I can get in somewhere to make that happen Monday, have a day or two of recuperation and Thursday off to Maine.  Not ideal, right?   Obviously, I know it may seem like I’m just thinking negatively, but I’m really not.  My imagination is HUGE and it runs wild pretty regularly, however in this situation I’m just trying to be realistic with myself and prepare myself for what may come.

There are three ways the appointment can go tomorrow.  We can find out good news & hear a heartbeat(s) (yay, obviously what we’ve been praying for), or we can find out not so good news and have that feeling in my heart ripped out again, or third situation (which I haven’t thought about til a good friend text me and told me it was possible – not to scare me but to prepare me, if necessary) but that we receive news that yes, there is something in there but we can’t hear the heartbeat b/c they’re too young.  Not going to lie, my heart sank a little when I heard that was a possibility. What’s funny is, I knew it was a possibility all along, I just didn’t think that would happen to us.  So thankful for my sweet friend that told me that happened with her now 5 year old.  For my state of mind, I just feel I need to hear a heartbeat.  I need that, for my sanity and for comfort.  I know the comfort would be temporary, but at least we’d receive some.

It’s sad really to go through a pregnancy like this.  (I know) I’ve had multiple people reach out and tell me not to worry and enjoy all the moments.  I completely 110% get it and agree.  It’s just once you have that first miscarriage you play it more cautiously.  You eat and drink only recommended things.  You take it easy and don’t overdo it, even when it isn’t convenient.  And you pray and don’t tell anyone for fear you’d have to go back and tell them, “Hey, we miscarried, so ya…”  Or what’s even worse is forgetting to tell someone you secretly told and 3 months later they ask how you’re feeling.  Ugh.  Anyways, after this many, I’m ready for that little heartbeat(s).  These moments should be nerves full of excitement, not nerves full of worry/anxiety.  And granted, I’m doing my best to be positive, but I’ve noticed all my self-portrait photos, I’m not smiling, I’m being cautious to be too happy.  It sucks….  I’m totally not complaining, because this situation is what God has decided we’re strong enough for, so please don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I just don’t like the fact that I think like this….how do you get out of your head and fully enjoy this moment of waiting….. I’ll let you know when I figure it out I guess.

Heartbeat or not, Jason will not be there to hear it and unfortunately my silly phone decided to stop recording sound today so he won’t get the opportunity to hear a heartbeat live or even by recording.  But I know he’ll get to some day and that is something to look forward to…

We appreciate the prayers for tomorrow…