Hey there…

Hi.  I’m back…. I’ve been gone for a bit but I’m back.  I wanted to stick around through it all, but I had some issues writing, well mainly 3 issues that I wanted to share…focusing mostly on #3 because it’s the biggest hold up in my writing.

  1.  It’s difficult to find joy, even when you have good news.  We’re 17 weeks along and that is so so fantastic, but worry creeps in on me every single day.  I went as far as adding an additional ultrasound last week, because I couldn’t wait 3 more weeks for the next appointment and insure everything was ok.  It was extra $$ and you’d think I’d be penny counting, assuming we just spent an insane amount doing IVF and another insane amount trying to adopt.  It was just necessary for my peace of mind.  You see, I’m at that weird stage where I can maybe feel kicks and jabs from little boy, but I don’t know if that’s what it is or if it’s something else, ya know, something bad.  Supposedly within the next few weeks I’ll be able to clearly define baby kicks and I’d feel so much better when I get the constant reminder that he’s still there and doing well.
  2. Anything could happen.  I could tell you I’m 17 weeks with a healthy baby boy today and tomorrow I could lose little one, praying that’s not God’s path for us, but it could happen.  I just have to trust His path here….and it isn’t always easy.  Ha. Saying it was easy or that I understand it is so far out in left field.  However, I trust Him and if I were to lose this sweet Baby Z, and I wrote all these things about how happy I am that we were this far along or that we felt our first kick…it would hurt so bad to go back and read that in the future.  So it’s just difficult for me to talk about what’s going on when I don’t know how all this will play out.
  3. This one may be hard to follow, so I’ll do my best to explain.  I kind of feel weird writing about it now.  Why?  Well, when I originally was trying to find some peace after loss & loss, I read several other women’s infertility blogs.  My findings were overflowed with mommas that were pregnant or had children and their struggles were years past them.  Or so I thought, now I know the struggle never ever leaves you, but that’s besides the point. They were writing about waking up in the middle of the night with a crying baby or where to find the best and safest baby equipment for their little ones.  It was difficult for me to get into their blog posts and truly relate, because I wasn’t there with them.  I was still in my stage of anger, that we couldn’t have children ourselves and it hurt to see basically everyone else having children, even these women who’s blogs were about infertility.  NOW that I’m THAT person writing at 17 weeks with a healthy baby boy, it seems like I no longer fit into this category that I’ve been writing in since December.  How I’ve categorized myself for 6+ years, I no longer “fit.”  Does that make sense? 

    It’s kind of like announcing you’re FINALLY freaking pregnant and out of the first trimester, to someone that just miscarried or has been trying to for years but has been successful yet.  You want to yell and scream and tell the world, but you can’t because you want to be conscious of those around you.  I’ve been there and it hurts.  It hurts alot, so you go the extra step and be a little more cognitive to what those around you are going through.  For example, in the same month, I recall getting a text from a family member and a call from a friend to tell me they were not expecting this and definitely were not trying but SURPRISE they were having a baby.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks….better yet, it hit me like a freight train going about 190 mph.  To say I was unselfishly happy for them would be a lie.  I was selfish.  I was hurt.  I was pissed actually.  And it took me well over 2 months to be supportive deep down.  Of course, I showed my support outwardly, but inwardly I was breaking the hell down and I was ready to throw in the towel.  Luckily, God gave me peace sometime in January.  I don’t know why He decided it was time for me to find that peace, but He provided and all of a sudden I found myself truly happy for those around me getting pregnant and making their announcements.  I went as far as actually attending and even hosting a baby shower, something I’ve never been able to willingly do or go to in the past.  I told you I was selfish.  And this peace just came over me and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I found it!  I found the joy for others!  And I’m so thankful I’m here now..my heart aches that I went through so many years just being so unthankful to God’s blessings on others.  This is a much better mindset for me to be in…

If you’re reading this and you’re in your anger stage or you’re just aren’t feeling the joy for me, totally skip past some of my posts or my blog completely.  It is completely fine and I 110% understand.  But, I hope you come back and please know that I’ve been there.  We wouldn’t go through these struggles if we didn’t hope and pray for an awesome end goal.  Maybe you’re here supporting me (thank you) or maybe you’re here supporting a loved one or maybe you’re a struggling want-to-be-momma, we all still have the same end goal.  We all want our loved one(s) or ourselves to find that sweet baby, one way or another. We’re all in this together….let’s express our anger, sadness, peace, happiness, because we’ve all been there.

So…. I’m going to allow myself to write about the experiences during pregnancy, through the hiccups along the way, and after childbirth, because that is my end goal…. to have sweet, healthy, intelligent, alive little one in our arms… I mean, that’s not my complete end goal.  I want to watch them grow up, be ornery, ride dirt bikes, love on our puppies, meet the love of their life, experience a mother-son dance at a wedding, watch them grow to be some incredible (INSERT ANY DREAM/OCCUPATION HERE).  My end goal is always growing, but right now my end goal is to make it through a pregnancy with a healthy baby boy.

Hope you’ll stay on the journey with me…

What glow…

“Um, excuse me dear ‘pregnancy glow’ are you just a figment of people’s imagination or do you only visit certain people?  Because I think you’ve skipped over me this time.”  Instead, I’m super exhausted and looking pretty raggedy; however, no complaints here, because God is giving us one of the greatest gifts ever.  Life.

Baby V is the size of a Clementine orange!  Crazy to think that’s what I have inside of me right now.  We’ve been reading on what’s happening with them at the moment, currently little ones figure out how to swallow, which develops their gut. To know how intricately we’re all made, it blows my mind what God has created.  It truly is a miracle.

Other aspects of the pregnancy, I’ve been feeling meh, but I think that comes with the territory.  Sleepless nights, headaches, and exhaustion are the biggest symptoms at the moment, along with a side of all day sickness that comes and goes.  It’s like a ninja, you don’t see it coming and you never know when it’s going to strike, then quickly sneaks away again.  I joke, but it’s really weird feeling.  I’ve had pregnancy symptoms in the past, but this time it’s different.  It again, just solidifies how intricately we are all made.

We continue to pray that Baby Vinson is doing good, kicking butt in there and growing strong.  We haven’t had any other appointments and will not be back for a couple more weeks.  Which is a little bitter sweet to me.  We are approaching on our longest lasting pregnancy yet, but in the back of my mind there is that lingering thought of what’s going to happen, when will things go awry?  Obviously, we hope not, but we can’t spend every waking minute worrying about what’s to come.  I have constantly reminded to put my trust in God, believe in His plan, and go along His path.  I keep saying, You’ve got this, when in reality, He’s got this (THANKFULLY!)  And for this I’m so incredibly thankful.  WHAT could possibly be better than knowing that God has this all in his hands.

I think back to moments of struggle of my faith, my relationship with husband and friends, and it all boils down to me not trusting God’s way.  With support from others and seeking out strength in the Lord, I’ve really been able to find some peace in those past moments and the downs that we don’t foresee just yet.  So, who cares about the “glow,” what matters is letting go of the anxiety, fear, and worrying about the unknown and relying on what Jesus has in mind for us. So I’ll just be over here not glowing… 🙂 but patiently waiting in peace.

Distractions…

Several distractions are going on this week, which is exactly what I’ve needed to keep my nerves about the 6 week ultrasound on Friday to a minimum.  Small distractions, like Jason being in India, tornado warnings (ya know, small things…) and then the bigger & more annoying ones like the dogs being muddy every single night (baths for days) and small cold I’ve seem to caught (thanks Jason).  This takes up much of my free time, so less time to sit there and dwell on what will / won’t happen on Friday.

Yet, it also makes me a little sad that I feel I’ve gotten a little complacement? with this pregnancy, where I’m not focused on it enough.  Maybe that’s a good thing?  I just feel like I should spend the majority of my time focused on the little ones and praying they are healthy and growing!  Maybe this is just how a parent always feels.  You’re always thinking, worrying about your children and some days you’re simply too busy and not giving them enough attention.  #parentlife

Enough of the rambling… no real changes with me this week.  I still don’t “feel” pregnant like I have in the past, which could all be in my head.  I may be having a little morning sickness but not until 3ish pm.  I think that’s what it is….but I don’t know to be honest.  It could be my head cold and just taking too much out of me, or it could be me just being hungry and I feel a little weak.  Only other things that are changing is I get dizzy occasionally when I get up too quickly.  I find myself getting up and pausing a few seconds before moving much more, and that seems to help. Beyond that, I don’t “feel” pregnant (no bloating, exhaustion, etc).  Everyone and every pregnancy is different though, so throw your expectations out the window.  No one has control over this but the good Lord, so I’ll just take symptoms as they come or don’t come….  And lastly, I’m starting to get much better at giving the progesterone shots to myself.  The first day on my own, I hit a vein (dang it), so I had to start all over and I questioned myself if I could really do them on my own or not.  It’s getting much easier and as long as I’m relaxed (or as relaxed as I can be), it doesn’t seem to hurt, so that is a win.  So I will keep trucking along and hopefully kick this cold in the meantime.  And will continue praying the little one(s) will show up for me on Friday and will be healthy, healthy, healthy!

Ps.  I probably don’t sound too worried about Friday, but jeez I am, I am just allowing myself to continue to be distracted, because dwelling on what may or may not happen isn’t doing me and/or little ones any good.  And I’m working on giving those worries up to God, because He is in control, not me.

Thankful & in need of strength..

Thankful for all the incredible people in our lives that are saying prayers for our levels to increase!  And they did!  Again, praise the Lord!  Our levels increased to 2,362, which is a healthy increase that I will not complain about!

I cannot complain about anything else either.  Every step on this journey, I’m going to be thankful.  Currently, the hubs is sick, like sick sick (sicker than the normal man cold), and hasn’t been able to help much around the house when I’m exhausted.  In addition, he’s leaving for India tomorrow and then on the 16th, we meet in Maine for a wedding.  Therefore, the stress level is a bit higher than I’d like and the house isn’t as germ-free as I would prefer and we aren’t at our healthiest, but we’ve got to be thankful.  This morning I got down on my knees and thanked God that Jason was going through this sickness…I didn’t know WHY he was going through this sickness, but it is for a reason and maybe to get it out of his system before he travels to a foreign country..I’m not even going to pretend to know why he is, but it’s for a reason, so we should be thankful for it.  Thankful for this sickness and for the stress that tends to come with it.

Although, we’re thankful, we’re also a wee bit nervous.  Because our next Dr. appointment is next Friday.  On the 10th, we get our 6 week ultrasound done and this is exciting but oh, so nerve wracking.  Ultrasounds – I’ve had plenty of those bad boys.  They can be really exciting, especially when you finally hear that heartbeat and the Dr. says, “Everything looks good.”  Except, we’ve never experienced this.  It’s always been silent and cold, as you see the smile slowly fall off the nurse’s face, and you have this awkward moment where you know, she knows you know it’s bad news.  You just nod and suck it up and hold strong to not cry til she leaves the room.  She scurries to grab a doctor and you receive the inevitable, the only news you didn’t want to hear that day.

There was one time,  we heard a heartbeat, well I heard a heartbeat.  I was going back to an emergency surgery and he couldn’t be with me in the room.  I heard a heartbeat, a strong one, and the nurse quickly said, that’s just your blood flowing, not a heartbeat.  Later to find out, she was just trying to comfort me because it was a heartbeat, a heartbeat inside my fallopian tube.  It was our 2nd ectopic pregnancy and that little one wasn’t a vital pregnancy and unfortunately we lost him/her. 😦  I really, really don’t want to experience this again.  I need to hear a strong heartbeat.  I want to have the doctor exclaim, “Everything looks great!”  I desire to feel that inside of me.  I need that, but maybe God may have a different plan and I know this.  Therefore, I need strength to get through this next week.  I need peace to do this ultrasound fearlessly, and without losing my mind.  Jason will be missing this ultrasound (in India), so I’ll be doing this solo.  Well, I say solo, but I know God will be by my side and I’ll also probably bring my mom with me.  I’ll just make her wait in the waiting room because if it’s bad news, I’d rather lose it by myself than with her there.  I cope better that way.  So strength.  I need you this week. In the meantime, I’ll just be thankful.

No worries

This weekend I had several moments where I was worrying or thinking too much about the next blood test (which is today).  I woke up to this devotion on my phone:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (NLT) -2 Timothy 1:7

Do you have a lot of worries over circumstances you cannot control?  Dear friend, one ounce of worry doesn’t do an ounce of good.  Letting worry creep in means you are giving control of the situation over to a spirit of fear.  If you find yourself worrying about something, stop and occupy your mind in a way that solves the problem.  Better yet, get your hands busy and put on a spirit of love by serving others.”
This is all I needed to hear to get through the day.  I have a calming peace that has been put over me this morning, no matter the outcome.  I know worry will creep back up at some point in time and I’ll be ready to take it on when it does.