Hey there…

Hi.  I’m back…. I’ve been gone for a bit but I’m back.  I wanted to stick around through it all, but I had some issues writing, well mainly 3 issues that I wanted to share…focusing mostly on #3 because it’s the biggest hold up in my writing.

  1.  It’s difficult to find joy, even when you have good news.  We’re 17 weeks along and that is so so fantastic, but worry creeps in on me every single day.  I went as far as adding an additional ultrasound last week, because I couldn’t wait 3 more weeks for the next appointment and insure everything was ok.  It was extra $$ and you’d think I’d be penny counting, assuming we just spent an insane amount doing IVF and another insane amount trying to adopt.  It was just necessary for my peace of mind.  You see, I’m at that weird stage where I can maybe feel kicks and jabs from little boy, but I don’t know if that’s what it is or if it’s something else, ya know, something bad.  Supposedly within the next few weeks I’ll be able to clearly define baby kicks and I’d feel so much better when I get the constant reminder that he’s still there and doing well.
  2. Anything could happen.  I could tell you I’m 17 weeks with a healthy baby boy today and tomorrow I could lose little one, praying that’s not God’s path for us, but it could happen.  I just have to trust His path here….and it isn’t always easy.  Ha. Saying it was easy or that I understand it is so far out in left field.  However, I trust Him and if I were to lose this sweet Baby Z, and I wrote all these things about how happy I am that we were this far along or that we felt our first kick…it would hurt so bad to go back and read that in the future.  So it’s just difficult for me to talk about what’s going on when I don’t know how all this will play out.
  3. This one may be hard to follow, so I’ll do my best to explain.  I kind of feel weird writing about it now.  Why?  Well, when I originally was trying to find some peace after loss & loss, I read several other women’s infertility blogs.  My findings were overflowed with mommas that were pregnant or had children and their struggles were years past them.  Or so I thought, now I know the struggle never ever leaves you, but that’s besides the point. They were writing about waking up in the middle of the night with a crying baby or where to find the best and safest baby equipment for their little ones.  It was difficult for me to get into their blog posts and truly relate, because I wasn’t there with them.  I was still in my stage of anger, that we couldn’t have children ourselves and it hurt to see basically everyone else having children, even these women who’s blogs were about infertility.  NOW that I’m THAT person writing at 17 weeks with a healthy baby boy, it seems like I no longer fit into this category that I’ve been writing in since December.  How I’ve categorized myself for 6+ years, I no longer “fit.”  Does that make sense? 

    It’s kind of like announcing you’re FINALLY freaking pregnant and out of the first trimester, to someone that just miscarried or has been trying to for years but has been successful yet.  You want to yell and scream and tell the world, but you can’t because you want to be conscious of those around you.  I’ve been there and it hurts.  It hurts alot, so you go the extra step and be a little more cognitive to what those around you are going through.  For example, in the same month, I recall getting a text from a family member and a call from a friend to tell me they were not expecting this and definitely were not trying but SURPRISE they were having a baby.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks….better yet, it hit me like a freight train going about 190 mph.  To say I was unselfishly happy for them would be a lie.  I was selfish.  I was hurt.  I was pissed actually.  And it took me well over 2 months to be supportive deep down.  Of course, I showed my support outwardly, but inwardly I was breaking the hell down and I was ready to throw in the towel.  Luckily, God gave me peace sometime in January.  I don’t know why He decided it was time for me to find that peace, but He provided and all of a sudden I found myself truly happy for those around me getting pregnant and making their announcements.  I went as far as actually attending and even hosting a baby shower, something I’ve never been able to willingly do or go to in the past.  I told you I was selfish.  And this peace just came over me and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I found it!  I found the joy for others!  And I’m so thankful I’m here now..my heart aches that I went through so many years just being so unthankful to God’s blessings on others.  This is a much better mindset for me to be in…

If you’re reading this and you’re in your anger stage or you’re just aren’t feeling the joy for me, totally skip past some of my posts or my blog completely.  It is completely fine and I 110% understand.  But, I hope you come back and please know that I’ve been there.  We wouldn’t go through these struggles if we didn’t hope and pray for an awesome end goal.  Maybe you’re here supporting me (thank you) or maybe you’re here supporting a loved one or maybe you’re a struggling want-to-be-momma, we all still have the same end goal.  We all want our loved one(s) or ourselves to find that sweet baby, one way or another. We’re all in this together….let’s express our anger, sadness, peace, happiness, because we’ve all been there.

So…. I’m going to allow myself to write about the experiences during pregnancy, through the hiccups along the way, and after childbirth, because that is my end goal…. to have sweet, healthy, intelligent, alive little one in our arms… I mean, that’s not my complete end goal.  I want to watch them grow up, be ornery, ride dirt bikes, love on our puppies, meet the love of their life, experience a mother-son dance at a wedding, watch them grow to be some incredible (INSERT ANY DREAM/OCCUPATION HERE).  My end goal is always growing, but right now my end goal is to make it through a pregnancy with a healthy baby boy.

Hope you’ll stay on the journey with me…

All in

I’ve mostly been talking about IVF in my posts, because that was the first process we were going through. Now, as we anxiously wait out on this little one, we finish our adoption paperwork!  Yes IVF & adoption at the same time may seem wildly absurd to most people, but when you have waited as long as we have, had as many heartaches as we have, you lay out your cards and go all in.

How did we decide adoption was for us?  For me, that want has always been there since I was younger.  It was never a question of if I would adopt or not, it was more a when will I adopt.  I’m not sure how it actually got started for me, but I’ll attribute it back to around highschool.  I knew a handful of foster children and  I saw how much they yearned for a family and I knew I needed to adopt those children yearning (obviously not something you can do as a high schooler).  But I knew I had a heart to give love. Adoption was something God wanted me to do, so basically since highschool, it has been on my heart.  When I met Jason 8+ years ago, two of my early questions to him was…”Do you want to have children and how do you feel about adoption?” Luckily, this sweet man said absolutely to children and although he hadn’t thought of adoption as much as I have, he was in.  I have watched that “I am in” change to a yearn in his heart over the years!  It overwhelms me to see this too, knowing it is truly one of my purposes on this Earth.  God sure knows how to put the right people in our lives!

Back to adoption process,  the last piece of paperwork we finished yesterday (yay!). We paid for our home study in December but haven’t had it done yet due to IVF and traveling in general, but it is on now!  I am so excited for this process and I know how slow and torturous the wait can be, but I can’t imagine a better time.  

Our cards are layed on the table, and we will hopefully get through the home study, and we wait and pray a young mom/dad picks us.  A young mom/dad will needs us, and allows us to love their child(ren) forever. 

Anticipation Station

IVF appointments are made, like made-made, not tentative like they have been for the past few months.  THEY ARE OFFICIAL.  I received the email about 5 am on Saturday morning and I couldn’t sleep.  My mind was racing with, “Can I do this?”  “Can we do this?” “Are we ready?” My mind was racing so much, I woke up my husband and told him the appointments were made and not really to my dismay, he rolled over and muttered something under his breath (probably like let me sleep woman).  So I lay there, just going through all the possibilities and I find myself incredibly excited and overwhelmed and shoot, I got excited and positive, didn’t I?

This entire process I’ve been pretty level-headed (minus the one evening I went MIA because I just needed to clear my head, but that’s a different story for a different day).  I’ve kept my sh!t together.  I’ve not been too optimistic and I haven’t been negative.  I have been realistic on what could happen but also what might not happen, and to trust God’s work and how His plan.  And now, here I am all excited about something that I really don’t have any control over.  As I knock myself down back to realistic stage, I spoke with a friend who has seriously been my rock.  I mean, I’ve so incredibly fortunate and have several rocks in my life.  I can’t explain how thankful I am for these people.  That said, one in particular told me to be excited.  “ENJOY EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF THE PROCESS!”  And she went on with so much wisdom in a single sentence, “Sometimes we get so caught up in what is trying to be accomplished, that we forget what is happening in front of us!  Every single embryo that survives is one of your babies! And that is amazing in itself!  What a wonderful thing to witness!  Life!” I read it a few times before it really sunk in, but she was right.  I don’t have control over the situation, but this process, I’m going to get excited about.  Maybe some think that’s crazy because we’ve already experienced 4 losses, why get all excited for it happening again.  OH that’s right, b/c you’re experiencing one of God’s greatest gifts…life.

And like that, I think I’m going to end it and let it all sink in for any of those that are struggling with this process.  Who are struggling to let go of the control, be excited but patient, be optimistic but realistic, there’s alot of things we should / shouldn’t be doing but whatever you do..enjoy the process.  Easier said than done, I know, but let’s try….

Things are getting real…

Well, not that it wasn’t already real.  Considering, I just “pinned” to a secret board approximately 150 articles, “Do’s & Don’ts” and “Tips” for IVF & Adoption today, I guess you can say things are starting to get a little more real.  Adoption papers will be signed this evening and overnighted tomorrow and I’m waiting on my doctor to call me back to schedule IVF appointments.  Nothing like doing it all at once and not holding back right?

It’s a bit rattling if I’m being honest.  So many things to do and take care of and that’s just in the house, not to mention all the foods I should eat.  By the way, did you know pineapple is an implantation aid?  Yup, apparently it is and I’ll be going to the store this evening and stocking up on my pineapple.  And then there’s the schedule…my goodness, the schedule is what is probably going to be the most difficult.  For those that know us well, we’re on the go, constantly.  Besides this last weekend (NYE weekend) I can’t remember the last full weekend we didn’t have something planned out of town.  And we have things booked personally & professionally for the next year.  Therefore, determining when to schedule things is a little difficult and to know when to cancel already scheduled things will be even more difficult.  But it’s totally worth it, I know this.  Just a little rattling is all.  I’m more than happy (well, I wouldn’t say happy) but I’m more than thankful to push forward in this process, because even if the outcome is not what I want, I know it’s in God’s plan.

Let’s talk about that for a second….this is the largest rattler of them all, the outcome.  I realize the outcome is something I have no control over.  I know I can make sure everything is perfect for our homestudy, but in the big scheme of things, the home study agent and family that picks / doesn’t pick us has more say in it than I’ll ever have.  And IVF, well…..that’s another story.  I have no control over that.  I mean, I can eat healthy, I can exercise, I can cut out caffeine, certain cheeses, fish with mercury, alcohol, drugs (ha, just kidding, no drugs here guys); limit carbs; don’t over do it (whatever the hell that means) and oh getting 8 hours of sleep.  I don’t know who came up with this 8 hours of sleep thing, but my body works on about 4-6 hours of sleep pretty well, 8 hours of sleep is pretty much an impossible goal for me.  Anyways, beyond those things that COULD help, I have no control over if I have any embroyos, if the swimmers will survive, if the transfer will go well, if my body will do what it’s supposed to do.  That is out of my hands, and completely in God’s hands.  So to come home “empty handed” so to speak, will be difficult.  It’ll be disheartening, and I’ll be broken I know.  I fully trust the Lord and his path He has for me, just note that’s going to hurt.

On another note, my husband is very hopeful.  So hopeful, he promised me another puppy if it is not successful.  I’m pretty sure he’s banking on the transfer and everything going good.

Anyways, I don’t really know why I’m even writing today besides, sh*t got real today, and I’m just over here like…..what am I thinking, what am I thinking ….ok let’s do this.  So…let’s do this.