If you don’t know me… I have a wild imagination that never stops and sometimes my thoughts can border the line of realistic and possibly morbidness. This may be one of those posts and I apologize now, but I need to get these thoughts out and on paper, for the “just in case.” So let’s get down to it….
To myself: If I can be realistic with you, it’s possible this pregnancy may not end with the happy tears you envision. I realize this and so should you. As much as I pray every day that this doesn’t happen, it is possible for him to stop kicking at any moment. So remember how perfect a moment this is for you right now; embrace the kick in the ribs, the 1,000 nighttime bathroom breaks, the uncomfortable-ness when laying, sitting, standing or just moving in general, enjoy these moments fully. And if the kicking does stop, I need you to remember that there is a bigger plan than what you’ve created in your mind. THERE IS A BIGGER PLAN. I know it hurts, it sucks, and just royally pisses you off, but just remember there is a bigger plan and that little one is where he’s supposed to be. Now, just because there is a bigger plan doesn’t mean you can’t be pissed off. Go for it. Be angry…you should be. Yell and scream (if it helps), run your tired heart ragged, cuddle with the pups, veg out and watch crap tv, take a breath, and lean INTO your husband and always pray even though you feel like your prayers are going deaf ears, because they’re not and deep down you know that. So keep praying. And don’t listen to anyone else….not everyone gets it… when you’re ready, you’ll know.
To my husband: ……I honestly am not sure what to say here. Besides, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never have lived up to the potential I could be. I’m sorry for all the past let downs. I’m sorry I’ve let you down again. I’m sorry I can’t comfort you and help you take care of little one. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this without me. The good news is you are so far from being alone. You have my overbearing (yet wonderful and helpful) family, your wonderful family, so many friends, an incredible church family and small group, and you have the good Lord looking after you every single second. Be mad at Him if you have to, because I know He can take it but don’t stay mad at Him because He’s there for you and looking after you and baby Z every. single. second. So no matter how much you want to, don’t turn away from Him. Also, please teach little Z all the silly & fun things you do, especially pterodactyl calls, but make sure he knows that I was the original pterodactyl-caller and you simply just learned from the master. Let him have as many dogs as he wants. 🙂 I told you our child will love animals, and he does and you can’t do anything about it, so just give him one more puppy. Please teach him how to ride a dirt bike and be a BA like his dad. And whatever you do, make sure he takes on your ridiculous personality, the part that never takes anything too seriously. And let him be stubborn. Don’t fight it. When you think the stubbornness is about to push you over the edge, remember that he gets his stubbornness from me. Come down off that edge and just embrace it. Most importantly, you make sure he knows who our maker is. You wake up on Sundays and go to church and be apart of it. He needs that just as much as you do. Anddddd in your free time, please please tell him all the stories about how cool his mom is and you can fabricate some if you run out of them. As for you, don’t change a dang thing about yourself. You’re so over and beyond anything I could ever imagine, so do not change. And in case you EVER forget how much I love you, just put Ollie outside for a few minutes then let her back in. She will shower you with love and excitement, that overwhelming love and excitement is just a fraction of how much I love you. And finally, you got this, but when you think you don’t, ask for help. When you’re hungry, there are meals in the freezer. When you don’t know how to work the baby contraption, google it. When you need extra love, invite all 3 pups on the couch with you. And when you think you’ve run out of diapers or wipes, there are more stuffed away in the upstairs closet. But you’ve got this.
To my little man: Buddy, you have no idea how cool of a dad you’re getting to grow up with. He’s literally cooler than anyone you will ever meet. Always give hugs and kisses. Always tell people how much you love them (especially your dad and grandparents). Always pray, every single day. Always get up and try again. Always choose to go on the adventure. Always let your dad take your picture, even when you don’t want him to. Don’t focus on the win, but always focus on how to get your team to the win. Always reach out to the kids that don’t seem to fit in and be their friend. Always choose to love, not hate. Always lean into Jesus, even when you think He’s not listening…because trust me, He is. Always ask your dad for a new puppy (but only rescue them). Get muddy, run as fast as you can, wreck your dirt bike (but don’t get hurt), work hard but play harder, only speed sometimes (but be careful), don’t be afraid of anything, including when to say no. Be silly & weird, please be silly and weird. Be a lover, not a fighter but it’s ok to fight for important things. Don’t worry about what others think (besides your dad..listen to him). But also, give your dad a run for his money because he deserves it just a little. And lastly, never forget about me… I can’t explain how much I love you because there literally are not enough words to describe it, but know I love you so much! I fought long and hard for you and I will always be with you. Until we get to meet…go and be brave!
To my family and friends: My heart is full knowing each one of you. Not that any of you have listened to me in the past (lol) but if I could get you to listen to anything, I hope you find and lean into God, especially if you are feeling lost. Thank you for the ones that were good to me. Thank you for the ones that didn’t ever listen. Thank you for the ones that always listened. Thank you for the ones that did stupid things with me. Thank you for the ones that were there to bail me out of stupid situations. Thank you for the ones that made me care more than I ever thought I could. And biggest thank you for the ones that are there for Jason right now. Thank you.
Maybe this post is over the top or maybe it’s considered morbid to think like this, or maybe it’s just a mom that wants to be the best mom she can be and will do everything she can to make sure her family is ok, even in the worst of situations. Maybe I’m just a mom.