The past couple of weeks I’ve been going over our “plan” in my head. We had planned on having a few children by this age, we had planned to have adopted by now, we have planned…. and the list goes on. I find myself making plans in my head about this pregnancy.. when I’ll go into labor, how we’ll get to the hospital, if we’ll have to do an emergency c-section or will he come naturally, and I realize my plans always fall through, every single time. I have been planning on a safe and healthy pregnancy and my mind has been filled with a bit of anxiety and worry recently. As I’m trying to sort through the worry and anxiety, I came to the realization where we are in the year, 10/2017. This time of the year has been such a bittersweet time filled with a wide variety of emotions, dating back to 09/2011.
This time in 2011, we were going through our first ectopic pregnancy surgery. When we first found out we were pregnant, we celebrated (quietly) and told a few family/friends but it hit us hard when I started having some unfamiliar pains. Unfamiliar pains turned into waiting, which turned into the inevitable, losing our 2nd child. Despite our plans, that pregnancy ended up in a surgery, losing little one and tube #1 being removed. Ironically, this time in 2016 (October 5th, 2016), we were going through our last loss. This pregnancy not only ended up with us losing our 4th child, but losing my only other option to get pregnant naturally, tube #2. As this all hits me, I am filled with bittersweet memories, anxiety and thankfulness. Memories filling my heart and tears in my eyes as I imagine those lost sweet little ones up in heaven. Anxiety that anything could go wrong with Zayden at this point. All the “what ifs” swirl through my head daily, and honestly it’ll be difficult to get past those, but we will, eventually. And thankfulness. Thankfulness was a bit harder to come by at first because all the other junk flooding my mind, but we are so so thankful that Zayden is currently healthy and strong, continuing to grow every single day.
All my plans so far have fallen through, and I never understood why, until recently. He’s pushed these “plans” of mine down because he had a much bigger and better plan. And luckily, we’ll get to meet this incredible plan of His within a few short weeks. I will not let the devil seep into my thoughts and push my anxieties and worry. Because the Lord has this, He has a much better handle of His plan that I do.