I’ve been gone for a bit, a little because I wasn’t feeling any movement still when so many other mamas at my stage were, and I wanted to get through our next appointment before I gave an update. Yesterday, we had a detailed ultrasound where they go through all sorts of measurements, checking out the bone structures, making sure he has two hands and two feet, legs, and all the other cute little details of a 22 week old. It is so exciting, but nerve wracking all at the same time!
We unofficially we’re told by the tech that he was measuring about a week early and nothing jumped out as crazy abnormal but we will not find out for sure until our doctor’s appointment next Thursday. And yes, God – I hear you, you wanted me to work on my patience and all this waiting is making me work on my patience, whether I like it or not. You knows best though and I am trusting You during the wait game.
I had a very good friend that has been a sounding board during this process, and she asked me today what I was worried about. I mean, we had the genetic testing, which we received good results, he is moving around, has a good heartbeat and seems to be growing well, so what was I worried about. I hadn’t thought of why just yet, because I don’t know really…besides every other pregnancy has gone so wrong (maybe the term “wrong” is poor choice of words), but I mean, it hasn’t gone as planned, not one of our other pregnancies has and we always are left with this hole of sadness and loss in our hearts. If I could do anything to prevent this feeling again, I want to. I am over the moon grateful for this sweet little one and I wouldn’t change this process for a second, even if it doesn’t go as planned. However, it can be difficult to wake up every day and assume everything is good, but I really try to. Except every time I ride in a car for too long, get stressed out, overdo it or just eat something too sugary or too greasy, my mind falls back into….what if this causes everything to go wrong. It’s a true mind game and giving up any and all control to God is what I am learning every single day.
Please don’t think I am continually thinking negatively because I am not and don’t want to put negative vibes into little Z-man’s sweet, developing life, but I still remain cautiously optimistic and I’m trying to be realistic with myself. Maybe I will always be like that? Does that feeling ever go away…even 18 years from now, I assume I’ll still feel like this? I guess that’s just mom life, huh? I can’t imagine this love and worry I feel now, continuing to develop every single day for years and years to come. Isn’t it overwhelming at times? Jeez moms, you have your work cut out for you and I never realized it til this experience. I thought I “got it” but I never really could wrap my mind around it like I do now.
So we will continue remaining cautiously optimistic and smile knowing sweet Baby Z seems to be loving life in there, growing and developing and listening to our prayers over him every night! ❤️