Yesterday, we went in for an appointment for what we thought was just a “Hey you’re pregnant, so now we discuss all the things you should / shouldn’t do.” I guess that’s not the official appointment name, but we didn’t know what to expect, and we definitely didn’t realize we were having another ultrasound! This ultrasound was on the stomach, so it’s different than any of the past one’s we had. And yay, we saw little one. We actually call little one Baby V (not because we have a name picked out, just short for Baby Vinson, and Baby V kind of sounds a little BA, like he/she is).
Not going to lie, little one was difficult to see / find at first, so my heart sank a couple of times, then we found him/her. Anyways, once she found Baby V, they were doing like some pretty legit foot loose moves, or maybe it was a cooler, more up to date dance like the wobble or something (sorry, I’m not real sure what the new “dance” is these days). Baby V was just moving around and killing it in there, lol. This made it a little hard to get a good picture of him/her, but we got some blurry ones, and we did get to hear the heartbeat. Which brought me to tears all day yesterday, and also brings me to tears (of joy) as I sit her and retell it. For anyone that has gone through what we’ve gone through (or any type of fertility struggle) and never getting the opportunity of HEARING your baby’s heartbeat, that was alot of joy, alot of emotion. My cup runneth over and over again. So praise the Lord for great news!!!
So what’s next, we sit and wait (more waiting – ugh; God is really working on my patience here). We sit and wait another month before our next appointment, and we have some testing done this week and then in a few weeks. So if you’ve been praying with us, we appreciate prayers for good results, and Baby V just keeps on growing, oh and that I’m patient (ha!).
I talk about waiting alot here… and sometimes I feel like we haven’t been waiting that long, especially compared to what others have experienced, but then I do the math. We’ve been waiting over 2,250 days trying for a child. Of those #s, we’ve spent around 223 days being ecstatic over pregnancies and then experiencing the losses. I’ve spent 150 days officially recuperating (laying low), which means Jason has spent 150 days officially taking care of me and putting my needs over his. We’ve spent 500+ days thinking we didn’t care and/or not officially trying. And I can’t even begin to count the number of days I have spent dreading getting up in the morning and dealing with a loss, long after the miscarriage or surgery took place.
The funny thing about losing a child, that feeling of loss doesn’t go away in just a few days or months. It sticks around forever, literally forever. You don’t just get over it. I think a lot of people don’t fully understand that the feeling never truly leaves you, and some days it’s haunting, “What did I do wrong; What could I have done differently to make it not happen?” It is seriously always there. It brings joy to your heart sometimes, sometimes it puts you in a moody depression. Just as an example, yesterday (one of the most joyous days we’ve had in awhile), I was overwhelmingly emotional as I was driving home from work. I was emotional because A. I was so happy and thankful for the appointment we had yesterday, but also B. to see where we’ve come from and how long it’s taken us to get here. And to be honest, I don’t think I’m fully over that last surgery I had. It was so difficult, so time consuming and life-threatening and thinking back on it, it really scares the hell out of me. It pisses me off. But also it shows me how God works in mysterious ways and how thankful I am He took care of me during that time. And lastly, how incredibly GRATEFUL we are to be where we are right now!
I feel like I’m rambling about things I’ve already hashed out on this blog and in my mind, I guess I just felt it was important to state it. To understand the emotional/mental/physical toll these things take on people that have experienced loss. Even in the happiest, truly happiest of moments you still have feeling of sadness from what has happened and the feeling of fear that what could still happen. It just proves to me over and over, there is a much higher power than us and He is in control and He is taking care of us. His plan is wayyyy better than mine and I am completely grateful for it right now. So thank you Lord.
Was I all over the place this blog? Sorry about that…lots of things running in my mind today. Maybe our kiddo wasn’t dancing yesterday and they just have his mama’s ADHD and wanted to be all over the place, like this post? lol… 🙂