There’s a few things that have been swirling through my mind the past few days.
First… the thought of why are so many people going through struggles. Couples that are praying every day and begging for children have issues or hiccups or not able to conceive and I just don’t understand why. The only thing I can say when I hear a story is tell them that I know God has a plan for us and He knows the amount we can withstand, and I pray that someday, I can understand whatever He throws at us…. In the meantime, ya got to keep the faith and keep moving forward.
Other thoughts swirling up in that big noggin are…excitement of what we may find out tomorrow, if we can start thinking about names, and how will we change up the house for their room? Then I have feelings on the other spectrum, the anxiety of what we may find out tomorrow, if I will miscarry on my own or will I have to get another D&C. Honestly, I’ve already thought about what we’d do if this happened; and I’d get a D&C asap, as in Monday, so I could be recuperated by next week’s wedding in Maine. So I guess if it goes that route, I’ll pray I can get in somewhere to make that happen Monday, have a day or two of recuperation and Thursday off to Maine. Not ideal, right? Obviously, I know it may seem like I’m just thinking negatively, but I’m really not. My imagination is HUGE and it runs wild pretty regularly, however in this situation I’m just trying to be realistic with myself and prepare myself for what may come.
There are three ways the appointment can go tomorrow. We can find out good news & hear a heartbeat(s) (yay, obviously what we’ve been praying for), or we can find out not so good news and have that feeling in my heart ripped out again, or third situation (which I haven’t thought about til a good friend text me and told me it was possible – not to scare me but to prepare me, if necessary) but that we receive news that yes, there is something in there but we can’t hear the heartbeat b/c they’re too young. Not going to lie, my heart sank a little when I heard that was a possibility. What’s funny is, I knew it was a possibility all along, I just didn’t think that would happen to us. So thankful for my sweet friend that told me that happened with her now 5 year old. For my state of mind, I just feel I need to hear a heartbeat. I need that, for my sanity and for comfort. I know the comfort would be temporary, but at least we’d receive some.
It’s sad really to go through a pregnancy like this. (I know) I’ve had multiple people reach out and tell me not to worry and enjoy all the moments. I completely 110% get it and agree. It’s just once you have that first miscarriage you play it more cautiously. You eat and drink only recommended things. You take it easy and don’t overdo it, even when it isn’t convenient. And you pray and don’t tell anyone for fear you’d have to go back and tell them, “Hey, we miscarried, so ya…” Or what’s even worse is forgetting to tell someone you secretly told and 3 months later they ask how you’re feeling. Ugh. Anyways, after this many, I’m ready for that little heartbeat(s). These moments should be nerves full of excitement, not nerves full of worry/anxiety. And granted, I’m doing my best to be positive, but I’ve noticed all my self-portrait photos, I’m not smiling, I’m being cautious to be too happy. It sucks…. I’m totally not complaining, because this situation is what God has decided we’re strong enough for, so please don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. I just don’t like the fact that I think like this….how do you get out of your head and fully enjoy this moment of waiting….. I’ll let you know when I figure it out I guess.
Heartbeat or not, Jason will not be there to hear it and unfortunately my silly phone decided to stop recording sound today so he won’t get the opportunity to hear a heartbeat live or even by recording. But I know he’ll get to some day and that is something to look forward to…
We appreciate the prayers for tomorrow…