I don’t know…

That’s been my answer several times today when family and friends ask me how I’m doing.  “I don’t know,” seems to be the only response that I can seem to spit out.  The emotions, the feelings, the wondering and waiting have really muddied my level-headed thoughts and I just don’t know how I feel.

I’ve been achy or crampy since the transfer basically.  It hasn’t been a big deal and I knew that would be a common thing I’d have.  Implantation = cramps, or child loss = cramps.  I knew going into this that cramps would be a sensation I would have.  However, even having this knowledge upfront doesn’t help my mind from wandering what each cramp is or what it means.

We find out this Friday on the results.  WE FIND OUT THIS FRIDAY.  My nerves are a little bit of a wreck, my emotions are all over the place, and I’m kind of sad, all while just continuing to tell myself to perk up, be happy, enjoy this moment, breathe, give your worries to God.  I’m doing all these things and that silly mind of mine keeps wondering what’s going on inside.  But this Friday we will have a definitive answer.  And this has me feeling like…. I just don’t know.  I’m really all over the place, and I can’t seem to put into words what I’m feeling. Honestly, it makes me a little sick to my stomach thinking of all the emotions that I’m trying to fight off.

But we have faith.  And we know we’re doing everything we’re supposed to be doing.  Keeping my feet warm, eating the things you’re supposed to eat (good fats, soups, healthy food), avoiding the sugary stuff that I’ve been craving!  Not picking anything up over 5 lbs (which seems extreme, but I’m still doing it).  Getting plenty of sleep, drinking plenty of water and laying low.  Goodness, I’ve never layed so low in my life!  Ha!  And we pray most of the day on our own and we pray together every night, praying over these little two embryos that they are healthy, they are growing, they are strong and will continue to grow.  Praying they are God’s will for us.

Today is our 7th year anniversary and all I want is to have children here on earth with us.  So if you’re reading this & you want to gift something, say a prayer that these babies are healthy, strong, and God’s will for us and they will keep on growing!  That would be the greatest anniversary gift. 🙂

In the meantime, we’ll just wait, try not to wonder, wait some more, and find out the results on Friday.


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