It’s a bit ironic to me that my blog theme is “Momhood or lack there of.”  When I originally titled it, I thought it was a little witty and a bit sarcastic, like my mood at the beginning of this blog.  I wasn’t personally wanting to do IVF (THANKFUL I AM) but at first, I wasn’t ready for IVF.  I wasn’t ready to give that last fallopian tube up and give up my “control” or what I thought I controlled.  I just wasn’t ready to let go of the surprise element of finding out you’re pregnant and planning a cute way of telling your husband that you’re expecting, and all the tears flow with excitement and fear.  LOL – seriously, laughing out loud at this perception I had on how motherhood all begins.

Motherhood starts much earlier than becoming pregnant, or telling your loved ones you’re expecting or even giving birth.  It’s not just about the baby keeping you awake at all ends of the night, or the kids fighting as you’re trying to run errands, work, make dinner, list goes on.  Motherhood starts when you decide to make a choice to have children.  Maybe you get pregnant right away, maybe you don’t get pregnant for awhile or at all, maybe you adopt or use a surrogate.  The second your heart has decided to share a life with a little human being, no matter if they’re the size of a pea or the size of a squash (all those weird shapes you hear people say) or adopting a child at 8 years old; that is the second you’ve entered the mom role.

That split second….is when your priorities, needs, and desires change.  I’ve reached this point about 6 years ago and not until this moment, do I realize I am a mom.  I mean, I know I’m a mom, I have 4 heaven babies, but I never felt like I could call myself this.  Whenever they ask all the moms to stand up in church on Mother’s Day, I never felt like I could stand up.  You don’t give your thoughts on anything “mom” related because you don’t feel like you have a position to do so.  And now as I sit here (not currently pregnant) in a coffee shop, avoiding caffeine and alcohol, eating only the best foods for a little one, injecting medication after medication into my body that makes me feel so crappy and so moody that sometimes it is unbearable, and saving every penny you possibly can because you want to give a little one a chance to have the best life possible, and FULLY knowing that you have no control over the outcome of this IVF.  There’s a huge chance none of this could work.  I know that, but being a mom is worth taking the chance…. taking the gamble and praying you understand whatever outcome you receive.  This is finally  when I realize I can actually be called a mom.

Tears….I really didn’t know where this blog was going when I started writing it.  It just started off as an epiphany and now I can’t sit in this coffee shop without fighting back tears because it’s taking me this long to get it through to myself, that I am a mom.  🙂


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