Just reflecting on the past few years and trying to wrap my head around everything that’s transpired. More than I have time to write about…
The need to feel wanted, loved, sufficient is all something I struggle with daily, actually more like hourly. I don’t need roses every day or even a hug to be honest. I was raised to be a tough cookie and to be able to handle things when they come rolling my way. If you think I’m kidding, you should have seen me on a hay truck at the age of 14, working my happy little bootay off with 3 other guys who were much more muscley than this 85 lb scrawny teen girl, but I survived 3 summers of it. So I was taught at a young age to suck it up and be self sufficient. I think we all have that desire to be able to do things on our own, right? So when you you become an adult and decide you want to have children, you start to yearn for them (if you already didn’t). If you’re like me, I was yearning for children since I was about 16 years old. I knew that no matter what, I was meant to be a mom. Not everyone is like that, some decide after a surprise pregnancy that that is what they want in their life. Either way, once you get that feeling, you can’t let it go. Even if the odds are against you, you won’t let it go.
What happens when you don’t succeed after trying, and trying, and trying and finally you succeed, yet to experience a loss 12 weeks later. So you pick yourself up and try and try and try again, and another loss, and yet another loss. 6 years of losses can take a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical state. I ate my feelings for awhile….like ate. my. feelings. Like all of them….ALL the oreos and pizza and beer and hell, I’d eat brown sugar out of the bag some days. But it happens, and then you figure out that’s not the best thing for you.
Eventually, you figure out how to cope, but you still don’t feel “full.” There’s a massive hole in your heart that you can’t seem to fill. So, you pick a fight with your spouse or friends, because they can’t fulfill you. You become busy, all the time, you throw yourself into work, you seek out new hobbies, you yearn for attention, you do everything in your power to feel full again. Nothing seems to work. Then like a mama-slap to the back of the head, you realize that all this crap you’ve been trying to fill yourself up with is pointless. Those materials, that attention, the new hobby may make you feel better temporarily, but it will do nothing for you. In fact, it will actually make you feel more empty and could ruin your relationship(s). Unfortunately, it’s happened to me and to several others I know. It kind of sucks. By kind of, I mean really, really sucks. It’s the last thing I want anyone to experience it sucks so much. Imagine, putting your spouse or friends through the ringer and you expect them to fill you back up. And they just sit there, support you with patience in their heart and sadness in their eyes, because they also know they can’t fill you. Not like you think you need them too.
Fortunately, there’s this thing called God. He’s there. He can fill you. That one thing you were trying to avoid, He’s the answer. Let me save you some heartache…..don’t seek out those materialistic things, new clothes, new shoes, a new car will not make you full. That attention you might get online or in person, is not wanted attention. It actually makes you feel crappier. The expectation that you are putting your friend or spouse through, is so unrealistic and higher than anyone can climb to, but the big man upstairs. Seek Him out. Yearn for Him. Dive into what He has given to you.
By the way, this isn’t easy….it sounds easy and it’s easy to write after you go through it. It’s actually probably one of the last things you want to hear when you’re going through a tough time. Force yourself to do it. Trust me. It’s worth it.